9/30/05
6:30 PM So many people have added comments and phoned and expressed support. Thank you. I guess I worry a little about how much of my feelings I should share in this format, but to make a sort of breakthrough or to have the sort of realization that I had this week was something that needed to be public. All the time, people ask, "How are you doing?" or "How's the family?" or "How is Sophie doing?" Oftentimes, the answer is "Fine." And that's telling the truth. I am fine. We are fine. Sophie is fine. But "fine" under these circumstances is not the same as "fine" under other circumstances, never could be.
As I typed last night and expressed my frustration at being "at best" 75% in all that I do, I was wondering, "when have I ever been at 100%?" If I have ever been at 100%, what room would there have been for all the people whose support and love and encouragement make any of what I do even possible? How foolish of me to think that 100% was a realistic goal for my life. In retrospect, 75% was probably an overly optimistic figure. 75% would be something to aspire to, perhaps, still leaving plenty of room for family, for God, for whatever. Maybe from now on I'll remember that (maybe) and be content when I'm "only" at 50% (knowing that in love and by the grace of God, it will be enough).
Sophie had a great day today. Her energy level continues to remain high, and she continues to barely pick at her food. Elisabeth had a good day at school today, and from what I hear, Susan had a good day at work. This is our normal life, going about normal things, work, school, church, play. Another day in the life.
Comments
Randall, I haven't had opprotunity to check the website for a few days. I too am moved and appreciate your confession of how life "really" is for you at this moment. It may be of some comfort to know that I don't feel like I am at 100% either! I feel that some of the day I fall way below 50% even. This second go around at parenthood is more of a challenge than the first. Some of that is because I didn't have the input into the second time as I did the first. I have to deal with the nasty,negative influnces instilled in the children by their mother as well as having to keep my mouth shut when I'd really really like to say what I think about their mother. I think if most were honest with themselves and the Lord there would be more confessions to the fact that we can not any of us "do it all" by ourselves. I am certain that the Lord appreciates the confession that you need Him in your life - for all areas of your life. I think He likes it when we recognize the fact that we MUST be dependent on Him in all things.
Know that I remember all of you daily in prayer. I will admit that somedays all I can manage is to get the armor of God on each of you, and to plead the blood of Christ over you with increased warrior angles surrounding you, a wall of fire around you, and a thick hedge of thorns around you. Other times I am able to cover you better, but lately I find myself asking the Lord to give me increased wisdom for the circumstances that I am facing presently.
From my perspective, you are doing the best that you can in all the roles that you have. I think the Lord needs to give you some wisdom in balance with all of your roles. I sure can't offer any suggestions because I often struggle with balance myself.
Know that you are loved by many and held securely in the mighty hand of our loving Lord.
Hugs and kisses all around. Love, Eileen
Posted by: Eileen J Brumbaugh | October 1, 2005 11:05 PM